Sad Work

This week I was involved in my first fetal demise. It was known that the baby would not live long after birth.

I was assigned to be the "baby catcher."

I really didn't know how I would respond. Would I be paralyzed with emotions? Would I break down and cry? Could I handle it?

I took a 4 hour class just a couple weeks ago on handling fetal demise cases. But, there is really no better way to learn than to do it.

In contrast to medical practice years ago when the baby was whisked away without the parents ever seeing the child; today we make every effort to make and preserve memories for these families. We help them bathe and dress the infant. We take photos and do footprints/handprints. We save locks of hair. We make memory boxes to put all of these keepsakes in.

I was surprised at how controlled I was able to be. I was handed the baby after birth because the parents wanted her cleaned and wrapped before holding her. So, I cleaned and wrapped the precious, breathless baby who was not crying - and was not going to. I delivered the baby to the parents and continued to listen for heart tones intermittently so we could call the time of death.

It was a very somber experience. But, I didn't cry. ---- That is, until I watched to photo montage the next day that the labor nurse put together and set to music (the theme from titanic & "There are angels among us") for the family. All of us nurses gathered around the nursing station to watch the slide show.... Passing the tissues around... It was time to cry... time to be human and to allow myself to feel the sadness....

I think I was focused on doing the nursing tasks and helping to make the experience meaningful and meet all of the needs of the family during the birth, that I didn't allow myself to become emotional...I was all business.... I guess... I'm a little surprised at my reaction, to tell you the truth. Why didn't I allow myself to cry then? I did consciously hold back the tears at one point.. I'm sure the parents would have been touched to see that their child's birth impacted another person.... But, I didn't. I only cried later, when in a safe place, away from patients..... But, as soon as the slide show was over, my other patient rang out and I had to go in to help her feed her squalling, pink baby...with tear stained cheeks from the baby who passed.

Usually this job is full of joy and happiness. It isn't usually sad... But, when it is sad, it is really, really sad.

SIDE NOTE:
As a side note, our department likes to have memory boxes to give to the family after a demise. Usually they are small, about the size of a shoe box, and decorated with crafty things like paint or fabric or ribbons, etc. We are all out. Us, nurses, are making some as we can....But if you are crafty or are part of a group that is looking for a charity project to take on.... We would welcome donations of memory boxes. Just let me know if you are interested and we can talk details.